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A letter from my friend... (Read 9957 times)
PamH
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A letter from my friend...
01/24/13 at 09:22:31
 
I really don't know how to respond to this, I am upset, sad and mad all rolled into one.  I have been treated for Masto for almost a year. I have become stable on mast cell stablizers.  But according to my friend I have a mental illness.  I am going to share my letter because I know I can't possibly be the only one out the being treated like this............................................................................
...


I think you play a victim well and I don't believe you are sick with what you say you have, I just feel this is another in a long list of illnesses you have had.
From the outside looking in you seem to have bipolar.... you have been sick since I knew you with one thing or another and have always been running to the doctor. I can name a long list of what you have been sick with, and if you were really sick with all that you claim to have had you would be in the hospital or worse. I mean you even went to a eye doctor and held viles of stuff while he walked around you???. You change doctors constantly and stories just as often. I can remember you telling me what the doctor said then two days later the story had completely changed from what he originally said, pretty soon I stopped asking because the story changed worse and worse with each telling.
I can think of many times you have offended me but I have over look it because we were friends but the last time we had lunch at McDonald's you acted all mad over, I have know idea what and then I texted you to check on you and you started telling me it was my fault. I can also name times that I have helped you out in the past driving over at 3 am to watch your kids.
I would love to be friends again but I will be honest with you. I am sorry if this hurts, I am not trying to be mean. I actually pray for you, you have gotten worse over the past few years and the fun Pam is gone, now I feel I have to walk around on egg shells with you and am never sure what is going to set you off. I have struggled with what to do with our friendship because I have felt this way for a few years but this 'new' illness brought it to a head, but I do feel that honesty is for the best. I would love to remain friends but I am laying it out there with the way I feel. I have always felt of you like a sister so I am trying to tell you straight up, get the right help. I love you!



any advice??
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DeborahW, Founder
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #1 - 01/24/13 at 10:49:54
 
Well, if it were me who got that letter, here is what I would think:

That person is no longer your friend, and I wonder if she ever really was. That is a horrible letter and shows a complete disregard and lack of respect for you. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. You are a really sweet person (I know, since I have met you!  Grin), and you don't need to waste time with someone who thinks that. Obviously she has fooled you for quite a while, since she states that she has been thinking this for a long time. All she is doing is causing you stress, which will degranulate your mast cells. So, you must tell yourself to figuratively throw her words in the trash and not waste any further time thinking about them. I, personally, wouldn't even bother to respond. Let her wonder if you even got the letter, and cause her a little stress over wondering! Wink

Doesn't it make you just wish that she could step into your shoes for a day and feel how "wonderful" you feel? So many of us have heard these same accusations tossed at us, even from family members. It is harder to get rid of family, but you certainly can let a "non-friend" take a hike. Her letter conveys her own ignorance. It hurts, we know, but the best thing to do is to feel grateful that she showed her true colors and let her fade away.  I am sorry that you had to experience such rudeness.
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PamH
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #2 - 01/24/13 at 12:10:43
 
Thanks Deborah,
This person has been my best friend for 15 years, up until I needed a shoulder to lean on that is.  You are so right she really is showing her true colors.  I was shocked and hurt but not suprised by her.  She has ignored anything to do with my health, like by ignoring me I would magically get better.  I would like to tell her of coarse I have been sick a long time, its genetic, I was born with it and of coarse I'm going to go from doctor to doctor until I found someone that figured it out. As you well know this is not a easy thing to figure out and takes many doctors to figure out the puzzle.
 But at the same time why waste my breath.  It is falling on deaf ears.  Thank you for your compliments.
I have always tried to treat others with respect and I'm some how suprised when others don't.  I just wonder if it has ever crossed her mind that just maybe the specialist is right and she is wrong.
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Joan
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #3 - 01/24/13 at 17:30:16
 
Pam,

  I even had doctors write in my chart, "I tried to tell her there's nothing wrong with her."  So, it's sad, but not surprising that your friend might feel think that way.

  I wonder how fun and  sweet and even-tempered she would be if she had a disease with debilitating symptoms and a difficult time being diagnosed and treated.  There's too much she won't ever understand, no matter how much you explain.  If all she wants is a "fun" friend and doesn't want to be there for the ups and the downs, she wouldn't be the kind of friend I'd want.

  And the insulting and condescending tone.....   Angry Angry Angry   I agree with Deborah that you don't need that kind of stress.  

 
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #4 - 01/24/13 at 20:33:07
 
Pam, in my opinion a true or good friend is one who is willing to tell you the truth of how THEY feel and see the situation. (Even if they are totally wrong and misinformed, that's not the point) A good friend is honest even if they know it will hurt you.

It seems as if she's been supporting you a lot. She's been there for you when you went through all the ups and downs in trying to diagnose this problem.

Pam there is no such a friend as a perfect friend. A non-friend would just stop contacting you, just stop answering your calls and messages and just fade away. This friend of yours LOVE you! She is willing to face this VERY DIFFICULT situation and open up towards you. This seems to me like a good and true friend.

Yes I know her letter hurts DEEPLY  Cry Both of you are hurting, she is hurting as well. She is loosing a good friend, you, to a weird illness. Even though it may not be a match to the hurt you have to face every day in living with this illness, just know that she is hurting as well.

My opinion would be to first decide if you want to work on keeping this friendship, your friend is willing, otherwise she would've just faded like I said before. And if you decide that she is worth the effort, then this will be my device:
- Start by writing a letter of apology, or take her for a "cup of coffee and cake" and tell her how sorry you are for hurting HER. This sounds like stupidity and most will say she owes you an aplogy, but I urge you to apologise first to her. And after the apology be open and tell her that her letter hurt you a lot, she will then aplogise hopefully as well and you will re-unite in tears and love.  Smiley

- Decide on not telling her everything that is going on in your life, yes this is difficult and you need people who could listen to you, but she is currently overburdened by your sickness. My spouse often becomes overburdened by my sickness so I only share with her "up to her capacity", for the rest I have other friends with which I share my burdens and by sharing a little with everyone my burden is lighter and I don't overburden my spouse or a specific friend.

- TRY to be the old fun Pam she is mentioning, this doesn't mean do all the things you did in the past, you can't that is obvious. It just means decide beforehand that you are going to be sensitive to her needs and that you are going to try and fulfill her friendship needs as well. Try and figure out her friendship needs, you may want a friend who listen with love and care to your troubles, but she may be looking for someone who'm she can relax with and forget about all the troubles of the world and maybe not talk about all the hardships of life, just an example and not necessarily the case but I hope you get my point.

I hope this is of some help. PLEASE know that I am not choosing her side, I am just REALLY trying to give my unbiased opinion and be of some help.

Good luck with this!! (And apologies if my english is kind of funny, it's not my home language  Smiley)
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #5 - 01/25/13 at 00:37:10
 
My best friend really was there for me during some very difficult times Smiley  Is a "fair weather friend" really a friend?  I guess... if all you want to do is have fun.  Sometimes life is not fun.

Let me get philosophical for a moment (since I can't top the beauty and practicality of Deb's reply).  Aristotle argued that there are three types of friendship: the friendship of utility, the friendship of pleasure, and the friendship of virtue.  The friend of utility is like people you work with... they make life more pleasant, but the friendship is shallow.  When you move on to another job, you never hear from them again.  Your "friend" sounds more like a friend of pleasure... a great person to have as a drinking buddy (if we could drink, lol), but that's the limit of the friendship.  When times get tough, they disappear (or try to make you disappear).  Friendship of virtue occurs when someone really cares about YOU, no matter whether life is fun or miserable.  People like this are hard to find... and you never have many... but they are worth their weight in gold.

Here's a link if you want to read more...

http://cantory.blogspot.com/2007/12/aristotle-and-his-view-of-friendship.html

Friends come from all three categories... but if you're looking for a "friendship of virtue" and all you have is a "friendship of pleasure," well... that sounds very frustrating to me Sad  If you're going to keep this person as a friend, you have to recognize what type of friend she is and not expect more than she's capable of giving.

I'll get off my soapbox now Grin

Heather
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We're all in this thing together
Walkin' the line between faith and fear
This life don't last forever
When you cry I taste the salt in your tears
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #6 - 01/25/13 at 00:54:40
 
I really agree with Heather. Bongaan, you must really have a good heart, because I could and would NEVER take back that friend. The friend is essentially abusing Pam mentally and showing how self-centered the friend is. To aologize to this friend would be the same as the victim apologizing to the abuser, just like the beaten girlfriend who keeps going back for more. Not good. And, why would anyone want a friend like this? She is NEVER going to be trusted again, for Pam will always know that the girl is biting her tongue and really thinking that Pam is a nutcase. Who wants to be around that? Not me....

Heather's reply reminded me of my own philosophy of friends which I recently explained to my young teen kids. I once has a college best friend, my sorority sister. We were like true sisters and did everything together. When I got married and was headed in the life path that she wanted, she started to change and then completely became angry and didn't want anything to do with me. It was an eye opening shocker, because I had no idea what changed. The only thing I could tell was that she wanted what I had achieved, and I was deeply saddened because we went our separate ways, the friendship abruptly ended. (This was before I got sick.)

It was as a result of this that I began to place my friends in "categories." I began to realize which of my friends were true friends who would be there no matter what (and I am blessed to have a friend like this, who moved to NC, but whom I talk to weekly). I also realized who were the fair weather friends of whom Heather spoke. I have friends who are fun to be around, but if I get sick, they will keep walking. I know other people who appear so sweet, but their actions reveal their true nature. Basically, I put these people in my special categories, and then I cannot be disappointed in them. If the person is in the "fun but cannot be depended upon" category, then I know exactly what to expect and will never be surprised.

Of course, then there are people who are too disappointing to continue any relationship with at all, and that is where I would place your friend if that happened to me.

I just went back to edit this reply to say that Bongaan, your reply shows a nature of a truly good person. I may not agree with your opinion in this situation, but I suspect that you are the person whom I would greatly value and put in my friend for life category if we ever met. Your heart of gold is truly commendable, and I am so glad that there are people like you on this planet to counteract the types who write self-absorbed letters to people living a rare and uncomfortable illness every day. Smiley
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #7 - 01/25/13 at 16:42:24
 
Dear Pam,

What ever you decide to do about this friendship, I want to be sure you know one very important thing...

We all believe you are sick.   We know you have been struggling with a serious illness.    And, we certainly don't think you are crazy!

(I did wonder if your friend is bipolar, or going through menopause, or something.)

Going to different doctors for years shows me that you are a real fighter, not a quitter.   It takes a lot of will to keep on when you don't get answers for a long time.

So, I hope knowing that you are believed by people who have experience with the same type of illness, and who therefore 'get' what you say about your health, takes some edge off those astonishingly unkind and clueless remarks.

Wishing you comfort!
BlueSkies
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #8 - 01/26/13 at 10:08:18
 
Dear Pam,
I agree with Debbie and Im mortified that someone could call themselves your friend while twisting the knife in your back the way she did. What a horrific person! I say, you are very well to be rid of someone who only has their own good at heart and selvishly denies all others.
WE are your friends, We understand where you are "coming from" and we will be here for you. I hate to say it but I think most of us have had a friend or family situation much like you and your exfriend. Mine was with family and still is--but I consider myself lucky to know who really cared and who merely played at it. There are weird people in this world who are buddies with you until they are not center stage anymore. Those type of people are pretty well worthless. YOU, Pam are a jewel and you are so loving to everyone here. Please, take care of you for us, like we would if we could be with you. Just know how very valuable you are and that you are very much loved by us Smiley
hugs,
Ramona
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PamH
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #9 - 01/27/13 at 13:35:29
 
I just want to say thank you to everyone that gave me advice....even you Bongaan!   If this letter was given to me a year ago Bongaan I would have taken your advice, but for a year she has ignore me.  I have had to make the effort to contact her and remember not to mention anything to do with my health.  Now, she was happy to talk about her back or her cold, and how her mediction had a bad reaction and she had to get new medication.....you get the idea.  The only reason she sent me the letter in the first place was because I was tired of the charade and told her that her attitude was hurtful and I didn't feel like she was being a friend...and the letter is the response I got.  Now the last time I actually talked to her about my health was about a year a ago.  I was in panic mode because I was shocking every day.  I didn't know what was causing the issues, how to stop it or what to do about it.  This was at the time I could not even go into my house.  I stayed a few nights at my prior bosses house(she was nice enough to give me her spare bedroom for 3 or 4 days) and in motels, my "friend" would tell my daughter if she need a place to stay SHE was welcomed anytime. Wow what do you say to that....nothing, I said nothing. Undecided
  I have made so many improvements over the last 6 months. I have only been to the doctor one time in the past 6 months and that was just a med/check up appt.   My next appt. was made 6 months after that!  That in itself says so much, We finally figured it all out, found the right doctor, the right medication. But she hasn't been willing to even let me tell her any of that. According to her I need to get the RIGHT kind of help.
Sorry to rant and rave....but it helps to get it out!
I don't think there is a reason to salvage the friendship, she unfriended me on facebook.(can you believe she unfriended me??)  I'm not terribly sad that she is not my friend, I am more upset at the fact that she denies what my doctor says,  I mean really she doesn't have to believe me, but why would she not believe the doctor, he is the one with the medical degree !! I just don't get it.  My husband says its just because she can not admit that she was wrong all along, it makes her look bad.  I think he is right it.  It kind of feels like ripping a big bandage off...hurts like heck, but will be so much better later.
Thanks everyone, ((hugs))
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« Last Edit: 01/27/13 at 15:53:29 by PamH »  

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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #10 - 02/06/13 at 23:00:40
 
Not sure where to post this but I will start here and also it it in  the blogs folder. It is kind of relevant to this discussion about how people respond to chronic illness. This is the latest post on a blog I follow, written by a woman with a chronic illness, not entirely diagnosed but including Dysautonomia. This post is about the unhelpful responses you hear from friends. I love her ability to articulate her experience, she writes a lot about the emotional side of dealing with chronic illness, very frank and maybe not for the sensitive though (language etc.)

http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/well-at-least-its-not.html
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PamH
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #11 - 03/05/13 at 14:39:58
 
Thanks Ruth!  Smiley
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #12 - 03/20/13 at 15:18:51
 
In our darkest hours, our "friends" show their true colors. So sorry you have to go through this.
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #13 - 03/22/13 at 02:45:07
 
ruth:
very insightful post. the atleast you don't have line is a tough one especially when you get it from the doc who's treating you for your masto. he has told me atleast you don't shock or don't have cancer never mind the daily skin pain i have that he's doesn't care about. my appointments now are him looking in my mouth & ears, I'm not sure what he expects to see or figures he has to do something besides renew my scripts to earn his money.
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Re: A letter from my friend...
Reply #14 - 03/30/13 at 03:19:13
 
A different take on all this:

I am chronically ill.  I had a friend who was chronically ill.  After a few years of hearing about her many daily difficulties, I stopped listening all together.

I was too sick myself to have the time and energy to listen to someone else's ongoing issues.

I did not write a letter.  Neither did I explain via telephone why I stopped communicating.  I thought it would be more painless to just stop without any discussion whatsoever.

I knew this was going to be hurtful to the friend for a while, but felt that it would be the least hurtful route to take.

Anyhow...other than adding this posting to the mix, I have no other words of wisdom to add.
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